posted, october 8, 2008
so many things are happening so quickly! i got the job that layne always told me to go for and started it two weeks ago. im the visual presentation manager and the banana republic in murray (fashion place mall) the cool thing is it's a full time position so FINALLY i have benefits and can get the ear infection ive had for about two months now looked at. layne would be so proud of me!
i am still finding it hard to function a little. there are a few people in my life that are trying to speed up my grieving process and tell me to just get on with my life already, but i really wish it was that simple. i find myself wandering around the mall in a daze usually on my lunch breaks. remembering silly things that layne and i would go do when i wasnt at work. our favorite place to hit before noon was starbucks and we usually went there twice a week. (depending on how many times i could get him outta bed before 11! haha) at night one found us meeting up at our friend talls or mckays for some video games or just sitting on the couch talking. we would tell each other all the details of the day that we spent apart, trying to get the other to laugh. sometimes he would take me on his motorcycle to the park down the street from my old complex and we would lay there and look at the stars...half the time not even talking. just looking at them. it was with him that i saw my first satalite and on one of these trips that we came up with a plan to start making our own constellations, that way we could memorize them better! sometimes while we layed on the blanket i would get homesick and he would let me cry on his shoulder. when i told him he didnt have to hang out with me so much, his response was "no one should ever be alone." layne was one of the first to ever really figure out my poetry too. he came over one night and i felt bold so read him some of my favorites. he interrupted me once and kissed me. i asked him what that was for and he said i deserved it. he had a way of making me feel like his life and purpose needed me. whatever the plan was for us to meet. it needed to be at that time and in those moments. and whatever we decided in our premortal existance, we must have agreed that he would go away for awhile...(although i must have dozed off in that part of our planning) i wont lie, i still pick up my phone at least once a day to text him. and i am grateful i did save some of the texts that he sent me when he was still alive. ive tried calling him too, and if you were to listen to his voicemails, youd here my hearts confessions. there was something about him, it captivated me. his intelligence, his ideas, his plans...although he left them for me to carry on without him, he will always be with me in spirit.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
posted sunday, september 14, 2008
on september 10, 2008 layne orville colledge passed away from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident on saturday, september 5.
since i found out, my heart has struggled to believe it. i feel as though im looking at my world through a mirror. i see how i should be functioning...i see how i want my life to be progressing, but the reality is i havent been able to function at all.
today was the viewing and visiting with the family. as we walked into the church there was a line into the room that the casket and the family was in. a table was set up along the wall and it had the flower vases that people had sent the family as well as photos of him growing up. i even saw the vase that i had sent them of the red roses and white daisys (my favorites) there were his senior photos as well as his eagle scout plaque and his hiking backpack and camera box. on the video screen playing was a slideshow of pictures. some that he had taken and then some of his family and him growing up. in most of the scenic pictures, i had been with him and it was so touching to hear people complimenting on his talents.
i was hoping that it would have been a closed casket seeing as the injuries he received in the accident were mostly head. when i saw him there my heart dropped to floor. he looked nothing like the layne i knew. i kept trying to tell myself that it was just his shell...the reason it didnt look like him was because there was no spirit. the bit that made layne layne, was in a much better place. but it still hurt me terribly to think that he was no longer there.
as we traveled down the line of the family, i remembered my granny's funeral not to long ago. where it had been me and my family in a line. of course, there were about 30 of us and the line was much longer than the colledge's, but as i went through the motions of apologizing for their loss, i felt a part of their family too. i had never met his grandparents until this evening and i wish that i had met them earliar on better circumstances. but they said they had heard so much about me and were glad to have met me. kolby his brother, also told me that i was more than welcome at his house whenever i wanted to visit and chat if i needed it.
tomorrow is the funeral...i dont know if i can handle all of this.
on september 10, 2008 layne orville colledge passed away from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident on saturday, september 5.
since i found out, my heart has struggled to believe it. i feel as though im looking at my world through a mirror. i see how i should be functioning...i see how i want my life to be progressing, but the reality is i havent been able to function at all.
today was the viewing and visiting with the family. as we walked into the church there was a line into the room that the casket and the family was in. a table was set up along the wall and it had the flower vases that people had sent the family as well as photos of him growing up. i even saw the vase that i had sent them of the red roses and white daisys (my favorites) there were his senior photos as well as his eagle scout plaque and his hiking backpack and camera box. on the video screen playing was a slideshow of pictures. some that he had taken and then some of his family and him growing up. in most of the scenic pictures, i had been with him and it was so touching to hear people complimenting on his talents.
i was hoping that it would have been a closed casket seeing as the injuries he received in the accident were mostly head. when i saw him there my heart dropped to floor. he looked nothing like the layne i knew. i kept trying to tell myself that it was just his shell...the reason it didnt look like him was because there was no spirit. the bit that made layne layne, was in a much better place. but it still hurt me terribly to think that he was no longer there.
as we traveled down the line of the family, i remembered my granny's funeral not to long ago. where it had been me and my family in a line. of course, there were about 30 of us and the line was much longer than the colledge's, but as i went through the motions of apologizing for their loss, i felt a part of their family too. i had never met his grandparents until this evening and i wish that i had met them earliar on better circumstances. but they said they had heard so much about me and were glad to have met me. kolby his brother, also told me that i was more than welcome at his house whenever i wanted to visit and chat if i needed it.
tomorrow is the funeral...i dont know if i can handle all of this.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
the close of summer
to think that a year ago exactly layne and i were just getting to know each other and things felt like they were falling into place.
im overwhelmed at how much i have grown since then. amazing barely covers the words to discribe the strength that has since been restored to me since he left this earth. i loved him and all he did for me. there isnt a day that goes by that i dont close my eyes and feel him around me.
i know my heart is healing as the days pull me farther away from him. the reality that has long since sunk into my skin has reached my heart finally and i can feel the energy of being 21 pulsing through me again! what a great time to be alive!
im overwhelmed at how much i have grown since then. amazing barely covers the words to discribe the strength that has since been restored to me since he left this earth. i loved him and all he did for me. there isnt a day that goes by that i dont close my eyes and feel him around me.
i know my heart is healing as the days pull me farther away from him. the reality that has long since sunk into my skin has reached my heart finally and i can feel the energy of being 21 pulsing through me again! what a great time to be alive!
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