left behind

he left me. im sure he didnt mean too, but somewhere in the middle of our relationship things just didnt click anymore and he didnt want to try. so he left me.
he left me too. his addictions meant too much to him and wasnt worth the fight for me. so he left me, so he left everyone.
he left me also.
and im still here. where i was 5 years ago, and where i was 6 months ago.
he didnt want to offend me, so i go the silent treatment.
i pined on him for weeks...
he said nothing changed, but my calls arent returned.
HE felt used? HE felt abandoned and lonely?
the whole situation reminds me of grade school when i took a test and felt so great about it, to come to class the next day and see a fat, red "F" next to my name.
to me it all felt right.
i didnt want to leave you that morning. i wanted to do the pancake thing in the morning and the meatloaf at night sort of deal. the movies on sundays and the see ya after work.
i wanted to do the "what can i do to help?"
ive always wanted that.
you say you want this
but you dont and you probably should have cleared that up with me.
people usually expect what comes out of your mouth to be the truth.
and you really just make me ill right now.

the sun is shining today.
i miss layne.
i miss him the way you miss people that are gone.
and i miss you.
i miss your random phonecalls at two am. after your shows that i couldnt see
i miss the smell of hot asphalt on summer nights
i was looking forward to being so close to you again.
but now i cant wait to escape.
let me know you were kidding in all that talk so i can get over it.