left behind

he left me. im sure he didnt mean too, but somewhere in the middle of our relationship things just didnt click anymore and he didnt want to try. so he left me.
he left me too. his addictions meant too much to him and wasnt worth the fight for me. so he left me, so he left everyone.
he left me also.
and im still here. where i was 5 years ago, and where i was 6 months ago.
he didnt want to offend me, so i go the silent treatment.
i pined on him for weeks...
he said nothing changed, but my calls arent returned.
HE felt used? HE felt abandoned and lonely?
the whole situation reminds me of grade school when i took a test and felt so great about it, to come to class the next day and see a fat, red "F" next to my name.
to me it all felt right.
i didnt want to leave you that morning. i wanted to do the pancake thing in the morning and the meatloaf at night sort of deal. the movies on sundays and the see ya after work.
i wanted to do the "what can i do to help?"
ive always wanted that.
you say you want this
but you dont and you probably should have cleared that up with me.
people usually expect what comes out of your mouth to be the truth.
and you really just make me ill right now.

the sun is shining today.
i miss layne.
i miss him the way you miss people that are gone.
and i miss you.
i miss your random phonecalls at two am. after your shows that i couldnt see
i miss the smell of hot asphalt on summer nights
i was looking forward to being so close to you again.
but now i cant wait to escape.
let me know you were kidding in all that talk so i can get over it.

turn that leaf back over dangit!

well, as you all know, i moved back to the dirty south this past week. it was one long, uncomfortable drive! im convinced wyoming and nebraska serve no other purpose on this planet then to go on forever and ever and piss me off. belle however loves to travel and was very content with her rawhide in the back seat for the most part, but a few times she couldnt resist to share the front with josh or i.
chicago was very very cold. northern cold, western cold, southern cold..they are all different and the northern cold is very chilly and the wind is brutal. we spent saturday in chicago walking around and sightseeing. the first thing we did was got chicago hot dogs and the same place ellen, kaycie and i had gone to three years ago. they were just as good and still my favorite. my aunt and uncle met us up there that evening and we went and got some deep dish chicago pizza for dinner to celebrate my 21st and ellen getting into byu provo. we are all so proud of her and all she accomplished this year and are so excited for her to be the first cougar!
the drive from chicago to nc wasnt too bad. we ran into a little car trouble in kentucky and a very nice man helped us out. he even bought a new battery and helped josh put it in. it really sucked to be stranded.
530am on tuesday i finally made it to my grandmas house and i slept a lot.

its good to be home i think. i miss utah, and my friends back there. but i am much happier now and things will slowly start to fall into place i think. i guess we will see!