posted, october 8, 2008
so many things are happening so quickly! i got the job that layne always told me to go for and started it two weeks ago. im the visual presentation manager and the banana republic in murray (fashion place mall) the cool thing is it's a full time position so FINALLY i have benefits and can get the ear infection ive had for about two months now looked at. layne would be so proud of me!
i am still finding it hard to function a little. there are a few people in my life that are trying to speed up my grieving process and tell me to just get on with my life already, but i really wish it was that simple. i find myself wandering around the mall in a daze usually on my lunch breaks. remembering silly things that layne and i would go do when i wasnt at work. our favorite place to hit before noon was starbucks and we usually went there twice a week. (depending on how many times i could get him outta bed before 11! haha) at night one found us meeting up at our friend talls or mckays for some video games or just sitting on the couch talking. we would tell each other all the details of the day that we spent apart, trying to get the other to laugh. sometimes he would take me on his motorcycle to the park down the street from my old complex and we would lay there and look at the stars...half the time not even talking. just looking at them. it was with him that i saw my first satalite and on one of these trips that we came up with a plan to start making our own constellations, that way we could memorize them better! sometimes while we layed on the blanket i would get homesick and he would let me cry on his shoulder. when i told him he didnt have to hang out with me so much, his response was "no one should ever be alone." layne was one of the first to ever really figure out my poetry too. he came over one night and i felt bold so read him some of my favorites. he interrupted me once and kissed me. i asked him what that was for and he said i deserved it. he had a way of making me feel like his life and purpose needed me. whatever the plan was for us to meet. it needed to be at that time and in those moments. and whatever we decided in our premortal existance, we must have agreed that he would go away for awhile...(although i must have dozed off in that part of our planning) i wont lie, i still pick up my phone at least once a day to text him. and i am grateful i did save some of the texts that he sent me when he was still alive. ive tried calling him too, and if you were to listen to his voicemails, youd here my hearts confessions. there was something about him, it captivated me. his intelligence, his ideas, his plans...although he left them for me to carry on without him, he will always be with me in spirit.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
posted sunday, september 14, 2008
on september 10, 2008 layne orville colledge passed away from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident on saturday, september 5.
since i found out, my heart has struggled to believe it. i feel as though im looking at my world through a mirror. i see how i should be functioning...i see how i want my life to be progressing, but the reality is i havent been able to function at all.
today was the viewing and visiting with the family. as we walked into the church there was a line into the room that the casket and the family was in. a table was set up along the wall and it had the flower vases that people had sent the family as well as photos of him growing up. i even saw the vase that i had sent them of the red roses and white daisys (my favorites) there were his senior photos as well as his eagle scout plaque and his hiking backpack and camera box. on the video screen playing was a slideshow of pictures. some that he had taken and then some of his family and him growing up. in most of the scenic pictures, i had been with him and it was so touching to hear people complimenting on his talents.
i was hoping that it would have been a closed casket seeing as the injuries he received in the accident were mostly head. when i saw him there my heart dropped to floor. he looked nothing like the layne i knew. i kept trying to tell myself that it was just his shell...the reason it didnt look like him was because there was no spirit. the bit that made layne layne, was in a much better place. but it still hurt me terribly to think that he was no longer there.
as we traveled down the line of the family, i remembered my granny's funeral not to long ago. where it had been me and my family in a line. of course, there were about 30 of us and the line was much longer than the colledge's, but as i went through the motions of apologizing for their loss, i felt a part of their family too. i had never met his grandparents until this evening and i wish that i had met them earliar on better circumstances. but they said they had heard so much about me and were glad to have met me. kolby his brother, also told me that i was more than welcome at his house whenever i wanted to visit and chat if i needed it.
tomorrow is the funeral...i dont know if i can handle all of this.
on september 10, 2008 layne orville colledge passed away from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident on saturday, september 5.
since i found out, my heart has struggled to believe it. i feel as though im looking at my world through a mirror. i see how i should be functioning...i see how i want my life to be progressing, but the reality is i havent been able to function at all.
today was the viewing and visiting with the family. as we walked into the church there was a line into the room that the casket and the family was in. a table was set up along the wall and it had the flower vases that people had sent the family as well as photos of him growing up. i even saw the vase that i had sent them of the red roses and white daisys (my favorites) there were his senior photos as well as his eagle scout plaque and his hiking backpack and camera box. on the video screen playing was a slideshow of pictures. some that he had taken and then some of his family and him growing up. in most of the scenic pictures, i had been with him and it was so touching to hear people complimenting on his talents.
i was hoping that it would have been a closed casket seeing as the injuries he received in the accident were mostly head. when i saw him there my heart dropped to floor. he looked nothing like the layne i knew. i kept trying to tell myself that it was just his shell...the reason it didnt look like him was because there was no spirit. the bit that made layne layne, was in a much better place. but it still hurt me terribly to think that he was no longer there.
as we traveled down the line of the family, i remembered my granny's funeral not to long ago. where it had been me and my family in a line. of course, there were about 30 of us and the line was much longer than the colledge's, but as i went through the motions of apologizing for their loss, i felt a part of their family too. i had never met his grandparents until this evening and i wish that i had met them earliar on better circumstances. but they said they had heard so much about me and were glad to have met me. kolby his brother, also told me that i was more than welcome at his house whenever i wanted to visit and chat if i needed it.
tomorrow is the funeral...i dont know if i can handle all of this.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
the close of summer
to think that a year ago exactly layne and i were just getting to know each other and things felt like they were falling into place.
im overwhelmed at how much i have grown since then. amazing barely covers the words to discribe the strength that has since been restored to me since he left this earth. i loved him and all he did for me. there isnt a day that goes by that i dont close my eyes and feel him around me.
i know my heart is healing as the days pull me farther away from him. the reality that has long since sunk into my skin has reached my heart finally and i can feel the energy of being 21 pulsing through me again! what a great time to be alive!
im overwhelmed at how much i have grown since then. amazing barely covers the words to discribe the strength that has since been restored to me since he left this earth. i loved him and all he did for me. there isnt a day that goes by that i dont close my eyes and feel him around me.
i know my heart is healing as the days pull me farther away from him. the reality that has long since sunk into my skin has reached my heart finally and i can feel the energy of being 21 pulsing through me again! what a great time to be alive!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
left behind
he left me. im sure he didnt mean too, but somewhere in the middle of our relationship things just didnt click anymore and he didnt want to try. so he left me.
he left me too. his addictions meant too much to him and wasnt worth the fight for me. so he left me, so he left everyone.
he left me also.
and im still here. where i was 5 years ago, and where i was 6 months ago.
he didnt want to offend me, so i go the silent treatment.
i pined on him for weeks...
he said nothing changed, but my calls arent returned.
HE felt used? HE felt abandoned and lonely?
the whole situation reminds me of grade school when i took a test and felt so great about it, to come to class the next day and see a fat, red "F" next to my name.
to me it all felt right.
i didnt want to leave you that morning. i wanted to do the pancake thing in the morning and the meatloaf at night sort of deal. the movies on sundays and the see ya after work.
i wanted to do the "what can i do to help?"
ive always wanted that.
you say you want this
but you dont and you probably should have cleared that up with me.
people usually expect what comes out of your mouth to be the truth.
and you really just make me ill right now.
the sun is shining today.
i miss layne.
i miss him the way you miss people that are gone.
and i miss you.
i miss your random phonecalls at two am. after your shows that i couldnt see
i miss the smell of hot asphalt on summer nights
i was looking forward to being so close to you again.
but now i cant wait to escape.
let me know you were kidding in all that talk so i can get over it.
he left me too. his addictions meant too much to him and wasnt worth the fight for me. so he left me, so he left everyone.
he left me also.
and im still here. where i was 5 years ago, and where i was 6 months ago.
he didnt want to offend me, so i go the silent treatment.
i pined on him for weeks...
he said nothing changed, but my calls arent returned.
HE felt used? HE felt abandoned and lonely?
the whole situation reminds me of grade school when i took a test and felt so great about it, to come to class the next day and see a fat, red "F" next to my name.
to me it all felt right.
i didnt want to leave you that morning. i wanted to do the pancake thing in the morning and the meatloaf at night sort of deal. the movies on sundays and the see ya after work.
i wanted to do the "what can i do to help?"
ive always wanted that.
you say you want this
but you dont and you probably should have cleared that up with me.
people usually expect what comes out of your mouth to be the truth.
and you really just make me ill right now.
the sun is shining today.
i miss layne.
i miss him the way you miss people that are gone.
and i miss you.
i miss your random phonecalls at two am. after your shows that i couldnt see
i miss the smell of hot asphalt on summer nights
i was looking forward to being so close to you again.
but now i cant wait to escape.
let me know you were kidding in all that talk so i can get over it.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
turn that leaf back over dangit!
well, as you all know, i moved back to the dirty south this past week. it was one long, uncomfortable drive! im convinced wyoming and nebraska serve no other purpose on this planet then to go on forever and ever and piss me off. belle however loves to travel and was very content with her rawhide in the back seat for the most part, but a few times she couldnt resist to share the front with josh or i.
chicago was very very cold. northern cold, western cold, southern cold..they are all different and the northern cold is very chilly and the wind is brutal. we spent saturday in chicago walking around and sightseeing. the first thing we did was got chicago hot dogs and the same place ellen, kaycie and i had gone to three years ago. they were just as good and still my favorite. my aunt and uncle met us up there that evening and we went and got some deep dish chicago pizza for dinner to celebrate my 21st and ellen getting into byu provo. we are all so proud of her and all she accomplished this year and are so excited for her to be the first cougar!
the drive from chicago to nc wasnt too bad. we ran into a little car trouble in kentucky and a very nice man helped us out. he even bought a new battery and helped josh put it in. it really sucked to be stranded.
530am on tuesday i finally made it to my grandmas house and i slept a lot.
its good to be home i think. i miss utah, and my friends back there. but i am much happier now and things will slowly start to fall into place i think. i guess we will see!
chicago was very very cold. northern cold, western cold, southern cold..they are all different and the northern cold is very chilly and the wind is brutal. we spent saturday in chicago walking around and sightseeing. the first thing we did was got chicago hot dogs and the same place ellen, kaycie and i had gone to three years ago. they were just as good and still my favorite. my aunt and uncle met us up there that evening and we went and got some deep dish chicago pizza for dinner to celebrate my 21st and ellen getting into byu provo. we are all so proud of her and all she accomplished this year and are so excited for her to be the first cougar!
the drive from chicago to nc wasnt too bad. we ran into a little car trouble in kentucky and a very nice man helped us out. he even bought a new battery and helped josh put it in. it really sucked to be stranded.
530am on tuesday i finally made it to my grandmas house and i slept a lot.
its good to be home i think. i miss utah, and my friends back there. but i am much happier now and things will slowly start to fall into place i think. i guess we will see!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
thanksgiving, and high hopes
so for the past few weeks, ive noticed it a little bit harder to get into my jeans...and when shilo had to help me the other night, i knew i had a problem on my hands. so on monday, i invested in a personal trainer. id like to run a marathon. (that kinda reminded me of the pink panther...i would like to buy a hamburger)
so i have two, mel and adrian, and today was my first real session. and me, ciri, being the absolute complete idiot that i am, didnt eat before. well, i did eat. two sugar cookies and a diet coke dont really count though. my excuse? ive been working since 7 this morning and im broke! so after doing what felt like intense stuff, i almost passed out. you know that feeling you get where your whole body goes numb and you get cold and see stars? yea, i totally got that. and it was intensified by like 100, when i found out i weighed in at 109! so then, adrian had to go get a protein shake for me, and i felt a little better...but omh, i was still so embarassed. i used to be so much smarter than that! we ended up talking and he seems like a pretty cool guy. i feel bad he gets to see me all sweaty and grunting. that has to be an unfortunate sight. im pretty sure my looks of determination are not attractive at all in the slightest bit. as far as going over my diet, im not eating enough protein and a freaking lot of carbs. so, im about to make a trip to the grocery store and pick up some protein-i-fied items, as well as some green vegetables. too bad i hate turkey or tomorrow might be pretty cool.
speaking of tomorrow, im headed over to the colledges for thanksgiving in the morning. i decided i wanted to cook my grannys homemade macaroni and cheese. i told my mom today of my plans and she gave me this warning, "be careful and dont drain all the water from the noodles. i made it one year when we had a dinner at your friends' the mcmurtreys and no one touched it." so with that in mind, i thought about doing a trial run tonight to see how it fairs, but now that i think about it, im pretty lazy and if it turns out ok, why would i make it again in the morning?
eating all day tomorrow? gym 9am on friday? i still feel so embarassed about it all. oh well, im ciri, queen of awkward anyway. its almost my middle name!
so i have two, mel and adrian, and today was my first real session. and me, ciri, being the absolute complete idiot that i am, didnt eat before. well, i did eat. two sugar cookies and a diet coke dont really count though. my excuse? ive been working since 7 this morning and im broke! so after doing what felt like intense stuff, i almost passed out. you know that feeling you get where your whole body goes numb and you get cold and see stars? yea, i totally got that. and it was intensified by like 100, when i found out i weighed in at 109! so then, adrian had to go get a protein shake for me, and i felt a little better...but omh, i was still so embarassed. i used to be so much smarter than that! we ended up talking and he seems like a pretty cool guy. i feel bad he gets to see me all sweaty and grunting. that has to be an unfortunate sight. im pretty sure my looks of determination are not attractive at all in the slightest bit. as far as going over my diet, im not eating enough protein and a freaking lot of carbs. so, im about to make a trip to the grocery store and pick up some protein-i-fied items, as well as some green vegetables. too bad i hate turkey or tomorrow might be pretty cool.
speaking of tomorrow, im headed over to the colledges for thanksgiving in the morning. i decided i wanted to cook my grannys homemade macaroni and cheese. i told my mom today of my plans and she gave me this warning, "be careful and dont drain all the water from the noodles. i made it one year when we had a dinner at your friends' the mcmurtreys and no one touched it." so with that in mind, i thought about doing a trial run tonight to see how it fairs, but now that i think about it, im pretty lazy and if it turns out ok, why would i make it again in the morning?
eating all day tomorrow? gym 9am on friday? i still feel so embarassed about it all. oh well, im ciri, queen of awkward anyway. its almost my middle name!
Monday, November 10, 2008
those hard days man, they sneak up on ya
today was my first day off in forever! i was so excited to spend the morning in bed. but then again, i woke up and realized it was going to be one of THOSE days.
i can always tell when its going to be rough because the sun isnt out. sunny days make me sad too, dont get me wrong, but on sunny days the clouds always paint pictures and i can imagine layne up there somewhere painting them just for me so i can see them. on cloudy days though, when its cold and rainy, it gets to be a little unbearable and i find myself breaking down in tears a few more times than usual.
i had a pretty lengthy list of things i needed to do today to prepare for the upcoming holiday season. those things including getting a utah dl, the dry cleaners, and a few returns.
in august when i first started talking about getting a utdl, i was with layne and he told me he would go with me. so today, i started my adventure at the dmv alone. i went to the office in provo at about 930, hoping to beat the rush before noon. but what a surprise! the lines were probably just as long. so i finished my paperwork and waited for my number to be called. just to find when it was called 45 minutes later, that i needed to go to the dmv that was less than a mild from my house and take the drivers test because i had an out of state license. HELLO! obviously i can drive, i have a scdl! so, i got in my little honda and drove back to orem just to wait in line AGAIN for about an hour just for an old man to give me a number and tell me to sit down and wait for my number to be called. it was in this nightmaric wait yet again of the dmvhell, i had plenty of time to think about him. while i was sitting and waiting to take my test (the fourth time i had sat down mind you) i looked around me and saw a lot of people in pairs, or bigger groups. all talking and chatting and waiting together. i was sitting in a corner by myself and couldnt help but smile to start off with. then i could picture layne in the empty chair next to me and remembered the way he sat. it felt so real, but transparent at the same time. in his favorite rockin republic jeans and that nice black and brown button up we bought at express. we would talk about how lame residency was for states and for schools, and all the steps you had to go through. or my favorite topic, why we need to take another drivers test. then i missed him. i could feel my heart full on ache for him. and of course, i started crying.
right then i get called to take the test. the first time i took it, i failed. no one told me it was open book and they didnt give me a book! i sort of had a bf, especially when they said i was going to have to come back in a month to retake it. but when they found out i hadnt been given a book, and been driving around to every dmv in utah county, they felt bad and let me retake it. the second time i passed. thankfully.
and then i had to go take my picture right after i had been upset with them, and missing layne. so ive been mad and crying at the same time and trying not to let it show in my picture, i leaned forward and tried to open up my eyes and make it seem like i was really happy. no...it looks nothing like that. my picture looks more along the lines of too much botox in my forehead or i was surprised. the picture taker didnt ask me though, if i cared to retake, but dont worry, he did ask the bald guy after me. after all of this, he printed me out a paper license and said my plastic one should arrive to my house in two weeks.
after that lovely adventure, i decided the dmv took too much energy out of me.
i dont like to feel like i pity myself, or that im miserable. for the most part my life is good. but i see people now who break up and they feel like its the end of the world. that their life will never continue and im so jealous of them. i wish this was a break up. i wish it was just me that was cut out, but he was still there. those people, i wish they would shut up. its the last thing i want to hear, about how your life is ending, when it really could be so much worse.
i can always tell when its going to be rough because the sun isnt out. sunny days make me sad too, dont get me wrong, but on sunny days the clouds always paint pictures and i can imagine layne up there somewhere painting them just for me so i can see them. on cloudy days though, when its cold and rainy, it gets to be a little unbearable and i find myself breaking down in tears a few more times than usual.
i had a pretty lengthy list of things i needed to do today to prepare for the upcoming holiday season. those things including getting a utah dl, the dry cleaners, and a few returns.
in august when i first started talking about getting a utdl, i was with layne and he told me he would go with me. so today, i started my adventure at the dmv alone. i went to the office in provo at about 930, hoping to beat the rush before noon. but what a surprise! the lines were probably just as long. so i finished my paperwork and waited for my number to be called. just to find when it was called 45 minutes later, that i needed to go to the dmv that was less than a mild from my house and take the drivers test because i had an out of state license. HELLO! obviously i can drive, i have a scdl! so, i got in my little honda and drove back to orem just to wait in line AGAIN for about an hour just for an old man to give me a number and tell me to sit down and wait for my number to be called. it was in this nightmaric wait yet again of the dmvhell, i had plenty of time to think about him. while i was sitting and waiting to take my test (the fourth time i had sat down mind you) i looked around me and saw a lot of people in pairs, or bigger groups. all talking and chatting and waiting together. i was sitting in a corner by myself and couldnt help but smile to start off with. then i could picture layne in the empty chair next to me and remembered the way he sat. it felt so real, but transparent at the same time. in his favorite rockin republic jeans and that nice black and brown button up we bought at express. we would talk about how lame residency was for states and for schools, and all the steps you had to go through. or my favorite topic, why we need to take another drivers test. then i missed him. i could feel my heart full on ache for him. and of course, i started crying.
right then i get called to take the test. the first time i took it, i failed. no one told me it was open book and they didnt give me a book! i sort of had a bf, especially when they said i was going to have to come back in a month to retake it. but when they found out i hadnt been given a book, and been driving around to every dmv in utah county, they felt bad and let me retake it. the second time i passed. thankfully.
and then i had to go take my picture right after i had been upset with them, and missing layne. so ive been mad and crying at the same time and trying not to let it show in my picture, i leaned forward and tried to open up my eyes and make it seem like i was really happy. no...it looks nothing like that. my picture looks more along the lines of too much botox in my forehead or i was surprised. the picture taker didnt ask me though, if i cared to retake, but dont worry, he did ask the bald guy after me. after all of this, he printed me out a paper license and said my plastic one should arrive to my house in two weeks.
after that lovely adventure, i decided the dmv took too much energy out of me.
i dont like to feel like i pity myself, or that im miserable. for the most part my life is good. but i see people now who break up and they feel like its the end of the world. that their life will never continue and im so jealous of them. i wish this was a break up. i wish it was just me that was cut out, but he was still there. those people, i wish they would shut up. its the last thing i want to hear, about how your life is ending, when it really could be so much worse.
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